A Kick In The Pants

Not sure if the title will be exactly what this blog is about, but I thought it sounded cool. Either way, I have Josh Frabitore to blame.

Josh is a senior at FSU, and preached the sermon at CCF’s weekly meeting tonight. I didn’t even want to go, as I continue to fight my own issues of self-worth and feeling as though there’s no point for me to do stuff out in public, and also because “pursuing” Jesus hadn’t been working for the last couple of weeks. He preached on suffering and it was awesome, and it was based out of Mark 4:35-41.

I had even read that this morning. Just like I had read other bible passages in recent days. And other Christian books, blogs, and articles to try and feel like I am worshipping God. And for whatever reason, it hadn’t been working. It was like I was using the wrong tool for the job, or trying to invent a spiritual experience or something. I don’t know what it was, but I didn’t like it, it wasn’t how my relationship with God had felt in the past, and I didn’t know what (if anything) I could do about it.

One of the points Josh made was really eye opening, and it had to do with artistic contrast. He talked about how the shadowy parts of paintings are just as important as the light parts, as the light parts are shown to be that much brighter in contrast to the darker areas. He compared that with how God is painting his picture of life and history and that God isn’t afraid to paint with the dark colors, the dark times, the storms and pains to bring his children to a deeper love and knowledge of Him. And the encouraging part is that the darkness we face isn’t too dark for him to lead us through, the pain isn’t too intense to keep us from showing the light of his glory.

Thinking over all of this made me realize that my problem was mostly that I wanted to be a different “color”. I didn’t want God to continue to be painting my life with shadowy colors, I wanted something else. And honestly, at times would just want the painting to be done, regardless of how it looked. But, for reasons that still don’t make sense to me, God is touching people through my life. I don’t feel like I have much to give or offer to people or society in general, especially these days, but I still get cards/emails/facebook messages about people praying for me or how I’ve encouraged them and everything.

I’ve never wanted to be famous or important or leave a legacy or anything, but something that is part of my nature is that if I can do something so that someone else doesn’t have to, I’ll do it. And so, in a way, maybe I can spend this extended season of suffering and trials so that others don’t have to or they can pursue Christ more deeply. I don’t know.

But all of these thoughts I’ve been thinking, and messages I’ve been processing from God and Josh’s sermon, etc., haven’t made things “better”. I have more peace, but my circumstances haven’t changed. Even as I was praying before going to bed, which prompted me to get up and start writing this blog entry, was that God isn’t trying to convince or persuade me that “bad” is “good”. He’s not trying to tell me that apples are oranges, or that red is yellow. This isn’t a mind trick of believing that physical pain is good, or that severe financial trouble is good, or anything else, as though the power of positive thinking makes things better. Apples are apples, red is red, bad is still bad, but God is good. Pain is still real, and is prevalent today, but God is sovereign.

Is this easy? No. Am I going to feel differently when I wake up in the morning? I hope not. Do I know this is the truth? Absolutely. My color palette might be dark for a while, or it might turn bright and colorful tomorrow, or there might not be much canvas area left. Either way, God is good and faithful and knows where the storm is taking me. I just need an occasional kick in the pants.

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